The other day, my mother asked my 7 year old, “Do you have any boyfriends yet?”. Sounds innocuous enough, and we’ve probably all heard some version of that question about a million times in our lives. But a simple question like that can permanently impact the way our kids think about their relationships, and how they feel about themselves. It implies that dating the opposite sex is the default “normal option”. But it’s becoming increasingly clear that, when it comes to sexual orientation, there is no default “normal”.
Here are the facts:
The percentage of people identifying as part of the LGBTQ+ community has been rising consistently.
Here are the percentages from 1992-2018:
The rise in this proportion over time likely reflects the fact that there are more LGBTQ+ individuals in our population than reported. As our society becomes more accepting, more will report being part of this community. This is happening! In 1998, ⅔ of people thought same-sex relationships were wrong, but as of 2018, 67% of Americans now support gay marriage.
In some areas of the country, the percentage of people who identify as LGBTQ+ reaches between 5 and 10%!
These areas could have higher percentages because LGBTQ+ individuals feel more comfortable living there, or, it could reflect the true prevalence throughout the country, since many people in less accepting areas are less likely to report LGBTQ+ preferences or identities.
If it’s the latter, that means that there may be as high as a 1 in 10 chance that our children will identify as part of the LGBTQ+ community.
The first LBGT attraction often happens before the age of 10! The average age for men is 7.7 years, while for women it’s 9 years old.
It generally takes about 10 years after that for individuals to accept their sexual orientation and come out to others. This means that while you are asking your 8 year old son if he has a girlfriend yet, he may already be worrying about why doesn’t really have an interest in girls, and later he may be more afraid to tell you that.
Finally, a LGBT youth’s perception of how family responds to his/her/their sexual orientation has large impacts on his/her/their health and well-being. Youth whose family rejected them after they came out were:
The bottom line is that sexual orientation is not a choice. The science supports this. In fact, not only do kids start feeling attractions to the same sex before they truly have the cognitive capacity or motivation to make such choices, there’s now evidence that sexual orientation is rooted in the womb!
Here’s what we know about the biology:
1. In studies of twins, if one identical twin is gay, the other twin is more likely to also be gay. The same is true for transgender individuals. But while we see this for identical twins, this is not the case for fraternal twins.
Identical twins share the same DNA because they started out as one fertilized egg that split. Fraternal twins have different DNA, because they came from two eggs that were fertilized by two different sperm at the same time.
This means that simply sharing a womb and growing up together (fraternal twins) is not enough to influence sexual orientation. There is something in the genetic code that underlies sexual preference.
2. Pedigree analyses show that homosexuality tends to run in families.
This also indicates a genetic component to sexual preference.
3. Several studies have now identified genes that are involved in sexual preference. This means that there is very likely a genetic underpinning that explains the spectrum of sexual orientation and gender identity. However, there does not appear to be one “gay gene”. Instead, the functions of multiple genes may contribute.
4. The likelihood that a boy will have homosexual preferences increases by 33% with each older brother he has.
This means that there may be a factor in the mother during pregnancy that contributes to sexual preference. In fact…
5. Mothers of homosexual sons have larger immune responses against a protein involved in male brain development. These levels are the highest in the mothers of gay sons that have older brothers. And,
6. Individuals with a disorder called Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia (CAH) are more likely to have homosexual preferences. This disorder basically causes these individuals to produce high levels of testosterone while they are developing in the womb. This indicates that the hormonal environment during pregnancy may play a role in determining sexual preference.
Overall, it appears that individuals can carry several different genes that predispose them to homosexual preferences. Then, conditions in the womb can physically modify that DNA (called epigenetic inheritance) to trigger physical and developmental changes that lead to homosexual preferences.
So what exactly should we be telling our kids?
1. Show kids from early on that they are not restricted by gender stereotypes. Rather than picking pink clothes for a girl and blue clothes for a boy, let kids explore their favorite colors. Get your daughter a STEM toy to encourage thinking that is often labeled as “male-typical”, or get your son a doll to encourage nurturing behavior. This shows your child that you do not expect them to be or dress or think a certain way simply because of the genitalia they happen to possess.
Check out the STEM toys for girls from Goldiblox!
2. Teach your kids to take those Disney movies with a grain of salt! So many of the Disney leads are princesses that wear frilly princess dresses and are saved by princes. Children grow up learning from these movies that boy meets girl is the only “normal”. While you’re watching these films, have discussions about what else the princesses could be doing. For example, Cinderella could start a business rather than waiting for her prince. By the way, Disney finally confirmed that Elsa from Frozen is their first gay lead, but missed the opportunity to make her openly gay in either Frozen movie.
3. Have honest conversations when your kids notice families of different types. Explain that some families have two mommies, or two daddies, or maybe a single mom or dad, but that they love each other just like you do in your family.
4. Don’t assume that your child will grow up to be straight. This will prevent you from making statements or asking questions that indicate a preference for a straight child. Making it clear that you love and accept your child no matter what could prevent confusion and fear if your child happens to later realize a same-sex preference or transgender identity.
5. Speak out against discrimination, particularly against individuals in the LGBTQ+ community. Adolescents who come out as homosexual are more likely to get bullied or even physically or sexually assaulted. Not only can you show your child that you are tolerant of their own preferences, you can teach them not to judge others for theirs. This could help make the process of coming out safer for all.
6. Expose your child to people who defy conventional gender stereotypes. There are now many celebrities that are open about their homosexual , bisexual, or transgender lifestyles. Or, you may know someone in your family or community. Don’t be afraid to use the terms ‘lesbian’, ‘gay’, ‘bisexual’, ‘transgender’, or ‘nonbinary’ with your children.
Of course, if you don’t yet feel ready to talk about sexual preferences, you can simply start with women who play a professional sport, or men who are ballet dancers. This shows children that we don’t have to conform to those traditional gender roles if our talents and interests tell us otherwise.
Here are some definitions and facts to help the conversation
The LGBTQ+ label is made to include all groups of sexual orientations and gender identities. Years ago, someone special once introduced me to a term commonly used in this community – “family”. In my opinion, there could not be a better term, because this group is all about love and acceptance of all individuals. If you are a heterosexual ally, then you are even included too!
You’ll also now see many people including their pronouns on their labels, profiles, and name tags:
- She/her: Person identifies as female
- He/his: Person identifies as male
- They/Theirs: Someone who does not identify as strictly male or female. They may also call themselves nonbinary.
What’s the Take-Home?
Gone are the days where we label straight as “normal” and all else as “abnormal”. Love and relationships are much more complicated than that. People of all sexual orientations and gender identities exist along more of a spectrum.
More importantly, these aspects of a person are not what determines their quality. Instead, a good person is defined by their propensity to practice kindness, acceptance, and inclusion. Teach your child to be inclusive right from the start, and they will learn that it is ok to stand out in many different aspects of their lives. After all, each of us is unique, and all of us have value.
